Is that me? No! I wish it was me. Who could write such a thing!? It seems like a farewell scene transcribed from the TV show Friends. Lewis is a native (born-bred) Manhattanite, and he has a full understanding of the mentalities of New Yorkers and the transplants and immigrants who move into NYC. He is skeptical how that person attained so many "friends", and he suspects that they were only acquaintances or "fair-weather friends" (people who want to be around others so they look popular in their social media selfies). Clearly, that person skipped NYC's perpetual problems with an enchanted experience. I hypothesize that he only stayed in NYC for a short time: maximum of two years. With any more time, it's impossible to have that idealized life, as if it was curated by Sex In The City. The other possibility is that the person lied about everything so his friends assumed he had a marvelous time and will continue to adulate him. We'll never know. But I will share my own experiences, gathered during 16 years living in New York City (not just commuting to it for work).
My background: I resided in 5 apartments in different parts of Queens: the most ethnically diverse county in America. During the span of 3 years, I lived in a townhouse in Bayside, and two slummy apartment buildings in Flushing--both had 54 apartments but were overpacked with illegal immigrants who illegally sub-divided the rooms. For 13 years, I lived in a youthful, gay-friendly neighborhood named Astoria. For 9 years, my apartment building (with only 14 apartments) was merely 3 subway stops from Manhattan. For 4 years, Lewis and I lived in a luxury condominium on the East River, in Astoria's Historical District (which is adjacent to impoverished Housing Projects that the city put there).
My background: I resided in 5 apartments in different parts of Queens: the most ethnically diverse county in America. During the span of 3 years, I lived in a townhouse in Bayside, and two slummy apartment buildings in Flushing--both had 54 apartments but were overpacked with illegal immigrants who illegally sub-divided the rooms. For 13 years, I lived in a youthful, gay-friendly neighborhood named Astoria. For 9 years, my apartment building (with only 14 apartments) was merely 3 subway stops from Manhattan. For 4 years, Lewis and I lived in a luxury condominium on the East River, in Astoria's Historical District (which is adjacent to impoverished Housing Projects that the city put there).
That guy makes it seem like NYC is brimming with people who are eager to be your friend. Why do I have so few friends? I'm friendly, outgoing, nondiscriminatory, open-minded, and I have varied interests. I've been told by total strangers that I have "great energy", "a really good aura", and "good vibes".
I will describe the Failures, and I'll describe the Successes. Tell me if you think I'm crazy or not.
From my freshman year at a university until my mother disowned me for being gay (12 years later), I hosted 117 people at my home: relatives, neighbors, church folk, college friends, and coworkers from 5 workplaces. I created breakfast parties, luncheons, dinner soirées, garden parties, barbecues, pot-luck cooking nights, Halloween costume parties, Christmas parties, sleepovers, and brunches. Everyone had great times... and wanted more. Yet, except for 4, none of those 117 people stayed in touch with me after I moved to my first apartment. Yet, my telephone number and email address never changed, so staying connected required small effort.
I will describe the Failures, and I'll describe the Successes. Tell me if you think I'm crazy or not.
From my freshman year at a university until my mother disowned me for being gay (12 years later), I hosted 117 people at my home: relatives, neighbors, church folk, college friends, and coworkers from 5 workplaces. I created breakfast parties, luncheons, dinner soirées, garden parties, barbecues, pot-luck cooking nights, Halloween costume parties, Christmas parties, sleepovers, and brunches. Everyone had great times... and wanted more. Yet, except for 4, none of those 117 people stayed in touch with me after I moved to my first apartment. Yet, my telephone number and email address never changed, so staying connected required small effort.
I entertained 16 neighbors at my home for handmade recipes, game nights, cocktail times, and I planned one's wedding. Everyone came for the food and fun, but few reciprocated at their homes, and few people asked me to do activities with them. That's unneighborly. I recall the young couple from Kentucky who lived next-door. The husband was more chatty than his wife, and he always said that we could discuss any topic. When I hinted about my homosexuality, he made a horrified face that I still remember vividly. He avoided me after that... until they moved away.
Experts say that you make lifelong friendships during school. Not in NY suburbs. Of my high school's graduating class of 82 students, several keep in touch via Facebook, but they all live out-of-state. I attended several reunions, but nobody wanted to stay connected beyond posting "likes" on their social media. Our expensive school instilled a curriculum of cohesiveness, but they all failed to respond, and the school's Alumni Network is inactive and only wants money.
Experts say that you make lifelong friendships during school. Not in NY suburbs. Of my high school's graduating class of 82 students, several keep in touch via Facebook, but they all live out-of-state. I attended several reunions, but nobody wanted to stay connected beyond posting "likes" on their social media. Our expensive school instilled a curriculum of cohesiveness, but they all failed to respond, and the school's Alumni Network is inactive and only wants money.
Amidst my 2,000-person church, I was widely visible and knew many people. Since boyhood, I was a cheerful volunteer, and I matured into bigger roles where I donated my time, money, and talents. I was invited to 3 important committees, and the pastor chose me to be the Editor of the monthly newsletter. After my mother publicly disowned me, none of those "allegedly warmhearted" Christians stayed in touch with me... despite my attempts/emails. They knew that I was destitute, yet nobody offered to help or console me--not even the pastor or his wife. While I was penniless, I never received a Care Package (the type that I had often arranged for other challenged people). Shamelessly, the church continued to mail donation requests to my new address! That seems sinful.
At my university, I was immensely popular and active. Example: A few years ago, a guy bumped into me at the subway and said, "Alfred University, right? You were a year ahead of me, but I saw you all over campus." He didn't want to discuss if further, and he kept walking.
I donated my efforts to be involved in 9 student groups. The problem with being a "student leader" is that you associate with competitive personalities, which may strain friendships. Some of my peers were actually envious of me. Sadly, gay guys disliked me because of my preppy appearance, and nothing that I did rectified that because I wouldn't dye my hair, get a piercing, or have unsafe sex. Those guys dressed flamboyantly like this...
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...and if you didn't look like them, they didn't look at you.
Undaunted, I socialized with the few gay guys at my university: I invited them to events, cooked for them, and invited one to my home for Christmas. Yet, they repeatedly judged me as "not gay enough". 12 college friends are now "Facebook friends", but we never meet. I attended numerous alumni events in NYC and at the campus, but nobody befriended me or accepted my interest to stay connected. The Alumni Network in NYC is heartless; it did not help my career (despite urging from the president of the university), and I don't know of any alumni helping anybody. Atrociously, the Alumni Association only wanted more of my money.
(*Use this link to see my university years:
I made valiant efforts to reunite 5 college buddies at my home for summertime weekends. I cooked for them, arranged jaunts into Manhattan for Broadway musicals, and I showed them Long Island. None of them reciprocated--except when one got married. One guy actually got envious of my high school's campus (claiming it wasted money) and determined that I was too bourgeoise to be his friend! On the flipside, another guy deplored that fact that I drove a sporty Lincoln LS yet dwelled in a swathe of suburbia, instead of a "gated community".
On the topic of Facebook, I had an account since it began, and I have 240 "friends". I initiated more Friend Requests than I received, but that's ok. I take a genuine interest in what they share. Being an open-minded person, I post a variety of things (not always mainstream American pastimes), and I get approximately 12 "likes" and 4 comments. In contrast, when a guy posts a shirtless photo, he gets 283 "likes" and 18 comments... despite it being the same pose for years.
On the topic of Facebook, I had an account since it began, and I have 240 "friends". I initiated more Friend Requests than I received, but that's ok. I take a genuine interest in what they share. Being an open-minded person, I post a variety of things (not always mainstream American pastimes), and I get approximately 12 "likes" and 4 comments. In contrast, when a guy posts a shirtless photo, he gets 283 "likes" and 18 comments... despite it being the same pose for years.
Since 2012, I made many entries to this blog, which got 9,000+ views. But few people took the time to offer comments, which I always welcome.
After graduation, my first job was at a corporate headquarters. For 3 years, I was an "all-star" employee who tackled everything that I was assigned to. Despite some of the ugliest tasks, I commiserated across various departments. I invited colleagues--including two vice presidents--to my home for homecooked dinners. We also dined at restaurants that I recommended. One of them lived within two minutes of me, yet she never initiated any socializing with me. Amongst my team, I was desirable for my workload, efficiency, and charisma. Yet, when downsizing began, none of them helped me, and I was cut from the organization. They reverted inward for self-preservation and relied on the fact that they knew each other longer than they knew me--even though I proved myself as a worthy asset.
At my first retail job, I did the same things--being undiscouraged from my prior experience. I worked with 49 people, but only three befriended me. (Two were foreigners who had nicer values of friendships, but they quit after a year). Repeatedly, I was ranked as a "Top 100" sales associate, of 2,ooo nationwide, and my company rewarded me for being "Mr. Congeniality". My skills helped me rise in the hierarchy into management... until I disagreed with the company's methods to eliminate tenured employees because the company was obligated to compensate them more. [That trend is now a typical practice in America: exploit longtime employees but then eliminate them to save costs, and rely on inexperienced people because they are cheaper. Countless executives are uncaring if that tactic ruins customer relations, inventories, reputation, or long-term profits. That's why many American corporations fail]. Yet, because I refused to harm innocent people, the hierarchy pushed for my removal, too. Except for an immigrant from Paris, France, none of my 49 coworkers stayed connected with me, despite years of me helping them achieve their sales goals, training them with technology, going to their homes to assist in their projects, inviting them to my home for dinner parties, and writing a letter to executives to prove that those employees should be defended.
I encountered the same thing at my next job, where wasteful corporate overspending was compensated by eliminating longtime workers. I managed a team of 13 employees, and half had worked for the company loyally for 10+ years. Executives pressured me to do illegal things to push-out those employees. I refused and cited the legalities. Ungrateful for me achieving the highest profits in the region or the highest Customer Satisfaction Scores in 10 years, they focused on illegally finding ways to penalize me to put my job in jeopardy. Shockingly, none of the employees whom I defended made an effort to defend me; some actually sided with the executives, hoping to save themselves. Even my Assistant Manager betrayed me to save herself, in exchange to be forgiven for all of her costly mistakes. (Please use this link to see that unbelievable scene:
During my tenure, I helped those employees with personal issues, life choices, write letters for their children's educations, get raises, deal with stress, and achieve higher goals. Of 30 coworkers at my location, one man socialized with me outside of work, but it only happened if I initiated it and if I travelled from Queens into Manhattan, changed trains and went to his area on the Upper West Side. After I left the company, only one person (a Russian) stays in touch with me by texting me during birthdays and Christmases.
During my "dream job", my experience was the worst. My team of colleagues had a boss who was a bully. As soon as she got rid of her supervisor, she took advantage of an uncaring corporate culture (nobody supervised what she did). Immediately, she favored her minions and overworked everyone else--while blaming them for every conceivable fault. Her goal was to rid herself of the current team (hired by her supervisor) and install only her minions. I outlasted 8 people who were unceremoniously fired or pressured to quit. I was aghast that my excellent accomplishments and statistics did not matter to the executives. Half of them didn't care because new employees can easily be found in NYC, and half didn't want to acknowledge that problems existed. It was equivalent of psychological torture. I was devastated when most of my coworkers tried to save themselves by being accomplices to our cruel boss! Evidently, two years of my support, helpfulness, tutoring, overtime, extra work, and team spirit meant nothing. Months later, those ex-coworkers contacted me about how sorry they were, confessing what the boss "made them do", and begging for forgiveness. Obviously, none of them are friends, yet the ones who quit before me do not stay in touch with anyone. (Please use this link to learn about that career drama:
After that torment, I joined another company and suffered nearly the same thing! The "leader" of my work team had recently become the supervisor, and he racially discriminated against white people. He only associated with Hispanic and Black employees, and he had 4 minions who did whatever he said. Unbeknownst to me, I replaced a white woman whom he bullied to transfer to another department. He compelled a minion to make life unbearable for an Asian employee until she resigned. After my previous job fiasco, I defended myself well, and I outlasted 10 employees. But I could not escape the man's bullying or overworking me. He orchestrated things to blame me for others' mistakes, and he jeopardized my job... despite me proving that I was the most overworked yet productive employee. I was compelled to do twice as much work as everyone else--in the same timeframe, and that was stressful. Once again, I dealt with another uncaring Human Resources Department that didn't want to get involved. My colleagues refused to upset the bully, so they did not corroborate my documentation. Nobody wanted to rescue me or be allies, despite having the abilities. I saved my job by citing the surveillance camera footage, but that only infuriated the bully to increase his efforts. "Retaliation" is illegal in NYC workplaces, yet it is rarely stopped. I was forced to find a new job. I made no friends there... only anxiety. (After me, a woman was hired, but she experienced his bullying and management's refusal to do anything, so she quit midday).
My next job overworked me more than ever because I was at a corporate headquarters that was woefully mismanaged by uncaring executives. They relied on a global reputation to lure employees, knowing that the unorganized work was nearly impossible to do. I outlasted everyone on my team, including several new-hires that came as replacements (but soon quit). Despite my efforts to cheer-up colleagues, none became friends. I helped them with personal problems, family issues, stress, goal attainment, and relationship advice. I created evenings to socialize with them, and we exchanged contact info... yet they quit and didn't stay connected. Two coworkers lived in my neighborhood, but they never initiated anything. The only person who made an effort to socialize after work and get to know me was a woman from France. Alas, when our work got twice-as-hard without any more compensation, she quit and relocated. After two years, I resigned, and that was fortunate. Weeks later, the vice president whom I reported to also resigned, and I discovered that she had planned for me to take the burden of her departure. I beat her.
My next job saw a change in me; I didn't exert myself to befriend coworkers. I was merely cordial. I managed a team of 14 people. Three people on my team worked there for 20+ years, which is astounding in the USA, and another was a loyal employee for 16 years! Once again, the company's owner and executives wanted to eliminate the longtime employees on my team. I fought against it, repeatedly. Alas, I watched people try to protect themselves by siding with executives to sabotage their coworkers... including people they worked alongside for several years! It was revolting. They demonstrated this selfish attitude...
During my tenure at that job, I was instrumental in helping three of them get new jobs, and I guaranteed one of them to get a new career. Despite my selflessness, none of those people socialized after work or socialized on their days off. Two of them lived in my area, but they never initiated anything. I worked closely with one man, so I tried twice to hang out on our days off: a great coffeeshop, and dinner at a restaurant with his girlfriend and Lewis. Even Lewis admitted that the man seemed reluctant to be friendly... so I stopped. When a man--with 20 years of loyal employment--was targeted to have his company-benefits revoked, I fought to protect him... and succeeded. After I left the company, I never heard from him again. This year, for my birthday, only one former colleague contacted me. She is an immigrant from Nepal (a Buddhist nation) and worked there for 22 years, and she cherishes how I defended her and helped her do things with her grandson. None of the others--not even people from other departments, or various regions in the USA--have the decency to stay connected. It's as if relationships don't matter.
I acted as an unpaid Tour Guide for coworkers (from different jobs) who were curious about Astoria. Usually, it was because they considered renting an apartment there. Regardless of rain or sunshine, I gave 19 walking tours through my neighborhood... stopping at a curated list of eateries, local sights, parks, and shops. Lewis participated in half of them, too. For two people, I was instrumental in helping them obtain apartments. Nobody reciprocated with us visiting their neighborhoods, and none of those people stay connected with us.
Across six of my jobs, I worked with 10 people who lived in Astoria, yet none initiated social activities with me. Only one of them was friendly, and he was an immigrant from Spain. Alas, he succumbed to America's overworked culture because he wanted to own more clothes and cars, so he became like the others who was preoccupied and didn't initiate anything. If I didn't contact those ten people, plan things for us to do, and chase after them to remind them, it didn't happen. It is sad when a human soul is not valued by people (people who can't blame "distance" as the reason for why they don't socialize). From two of his jobs, Lewis worked with 3 guys who lived in Astoria (and one visited our area for anonymous sex), but they didn't ask us about hanging out. Rapport should be two-ways.
After 25 years of an upward career in America's challenging retail and luxury industries, I made many "professional contacts" and a few friends. I did my best to stay connected by email, social media, and phone, and I'm an avid texter... but I usually initiated scenarios... and then I had to remind people that we are due to socialize. That didn't make me feel valued as a priority in their lives. When we did meet, it was sad that too many people only wanted to use me as a listener to complain to.
Perhaps you are fortunate to have coworkers who sustain your workplace as caring compassionate people. But, clearly, that's not normal here. Here, good people make choices not to unite, and they sacrifice strength, pride, and potential.
I met hundreds of "enlightened" participants during two weekend seminars hosted by Landmark Education in NYC. After learning vast strategies for being better people, the graduates wanted to befriend/enliven the world. Many loved my personality, enthusiasm for life, and quick grasp of Life's fundamentals. Alas, their words were meaningless because when it was time to apply what we learned, they quickly abandoned it or reverted to old habits. Only 3 became "Facebook friends", yet none of them keep in touch with any degree of substance. I endeavored to stay as friends with one fellow from Staten Island (a far distance from Queens--especially with NYC's dilapidated transit). I invited him to my home for dinner. He only used me to get a discount at the brand where I worked. Then, he fell out of touch. A year later, he told me that the merchandise that I helped him get was ruined. That's karma.
Here is an example: For years, I went to the same coffeeshop and knew all the baristas' names... but they weren't interested to remember mine. Half of them didn't remember my usual order, despite me ordering the same thing. Most of the employees treated customers as inconveniences (yet they wanted tips). A few told me about their accomplishments, and I was happy to hear it. Yet, during those 6 years, the guys never asked about my life. One day, as I walked down the street, I overheard a woman say that she wanted coffee, so I unobtrusively suggested the coffeeshop and escorted her to it. It was the third person whom I brought to the shop in 3 weeks. Yet, the baristas didn't seem to appreciate it in any way. The woman was delighted with me, and thanked me profusely. The baristas did nothing to welcome their new client. That is typical "customer service" in most of NYC.
As another example, I go to another place for espresso. Both owners think I'm a great customer. Voluntarily, I helped them during a filming about their business, yet the film hasn't been finished and they don't explain. Despite all of that, whenever people of their own ethnicity are there, they forget about every other customer. For months, I watched people detest that behavior and never return. I overlook the rudeness, but that's not how you treat loyal customers.
As a final example, a great coffeeshop opened during the COVID pandemic, and Lewis and I supported them earnestly for four years. When they worked on Independence Day, Christmas Eve, and New Years Day, we visited the shop to buy things, give generous tips, and brighten their holidays. However, when Lewis took me there for my birthday, the owner and the barista merely served us in a perfunctory way and did nothing special to celebrate with us. We didn't expect freebies, but it would've been nice if they merely said "Happy Birthday".
I act extrovertly, yet I repeatedly got the same results as if I was a homebody or a shy introvert.
There are 150,000 people living in Astoria, yet I haven't made any friendships in 13 years. It's sadly astonishing. I attended Sunday Trivia Nights at a pub, where everyone mixed into teams with other people. I had fun, but didn't make any friends. I attended Open Mic Nights at bars, Karaoke Nights at restaurants, drag shows, and several floorshows at Actoria. I also tried befriending restaurant staff, to no avail. Two waiters swapped phone numbers with me, but both failed to reply. I befriended a waiter at an Oyster Bar, and we exchanged phone numbers. Alas, the Oyster Bar mysteriously closed, the man didn't know what happened to his boss, and he stopped replying to me. Lewis and I are chummy with a waiter at a nearby Mediterranean restaurant, where we celebrated birthdays, anniversaries, New Years, and Valentines Day. Amazingly, he lives across the street from us! Yet, every time we invite him to socialize, he "flakes out" and postpones. Maybe he only wants our generous gratuities but nothing in the realm of friendship? (People act like friendships are arduous work... and they inadvertently make it that way).
When I was single in NYC, I went to gay bars in Manhattan once a week. Routinely, gay guys disregarded me because I was preppy so I wasn't "gay enough". I wore clothes like this...
but they expected this...
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I was also told that "I didn't sound gay"! Does that happen in your area? In the USA, gay men feel compelled to identify as homosexual by adding a fake lisp, pretending to be limp-wristed, using exaggerated gestures, and acting with phony swishy manners. *Please use this link to learn about that:
Despite being in a culture that "wants to be true to themselves", they insist on a lack of authenticity. Despite being in a culture that craves acceptance, gay Americans are notorious as snarky, judgmental, and mean. Unchanged for decades, NYC's gay scene is criticized as discriminatory to certain ethnicities, and barring against guys who don't "look a certain way". That sounds more like old Victorian ladies than modern people! I swapped contact-info with 200 gay men, but none were friendly. Later, I learned that NYC's gay culture is not unified and it is not allied for anything beyond sex and money.
Lewis and I went to an author's book-signing in Manhattan, and a fellow approached us to compliment our outfits. While chatting, we shared many similar interests. He wanted to meet for dinner sometime. We swapped #s, I texted him with a suggestion, he accepted, then he texted a last-minute cancellation, and he never replied again.
At a reception for an opera singer, a theatre critic approached me and chatted happily. Noticing my penchant for performing arts, he bemoaned a lack of people to take to shows that he reviewed. I offered to accompany him, and I gave him my business card and phone number. I never heard from him. Three years later, that type of companionship occurred with a critic from England (perhaps with better manners), but he moved back to England within eight months.
During 9 years in Astoria, 11 new neighbors moved into my 4-story apartment building, and I was always friendly to them, holding the front door open for them, and introducing myself... but I didn't make any friendships. Nobody to have coffee with, have brunch with, invite for drinks, watch movies, or do activities. For many of those years, Lewis shared that home with me, and he will gladly attest to those facts.
Four years ago, he and I moved into a luxury condo. Almost every morning, I pause to have a friendly chat with our doormen. After four years, I know a lot about them, yet they still don't remember my name. Our building has 400 units, so I know that they have many names to think about. The driver of the condo's shuttle bus greets us and shake hands. Lewis and I are some of the few passengers who talk to him like a person, instead of ignoring him as if he was furniture. Yet, he still doesn't know our names. Regarding our condo, nobody in the big building is friends with us. There are few gay residents (although several seem closeted). The neighbors on our floor are reclusive, but we make the best of that peacefulness. One woman shares the shuttle bus with me, but she only complains about her cheap boss. Of all the residents, one family was truly friendly. They were from Taiwan and occupied a penthouse... but they soon moved out of NYC. The only clique that is active involves gossip, backstabbing, schemes, and pot-stirring to cause problems. That describes the mood of the condo.
We're happier with solitude.
In thousands of films and TV episodes about NYC, people make friends breezily. That is false advertising to lure you.
That never occurred for Lewis or I. The sad truth about car-centric America and congested NYC is that people are too lazy to leave their areas. Traveling beyond their zip codes seems to be difficult for them.
Often, if they agree to travel to another borough, they cancel at the last-minute and succumb to inertia. Last week, Lewis ate dinner with coworkers, so I took myself to a nearby bar for Happy Hour cocktails. I'm confident to dine alone, yet many people are uncomfortable doing that. From experience, I knew that none of the 284 people in my cellphone directory were motivated to leave their own neighborhoods to join me for dinner in Astoria. Maybe a few might've been interested... if I chose to eat in their area. That night, I sent messages to "friends" who were online... but few people took the time to reply.
Every week, I go to a local park: Astoria has 3, and I also enjoy Manhattan's Bryant Park, Central Park, Madison Square Park, and Chelsea Piers. For several years, I regularly spent a portion of every Saturday at Socrates Sculpture Park. The Park Director always walked past me without a smile or greeting. He noticed me at many events, but he never interacted with me... not even a wave or "Hello". I never saw him mingle with anybody; he only scolded people for picking flowers. He's not suited for a people-facing job. During my last visit, an artist arrived to finish the season's art installation. For weeks, I observed him assemble his creation. I introduced myself as a local in the community, was curious about his technique, and I bought him a coffee as thanks for his public art. He took the free coffee but didn't make any effort to be friendly to me, which was his prerogative.
I go to outdoor movies, Shakespeare in the Park, outdoor concerts, Midsummer Night Swing at Lincoln Center, Lawn Parties on Governors Island, Summer Streets events, walking tours, gallery openings, museum exhibits, lectures, NY Times Talks, foreign films, indie films, street fairs, Ethnic Heritage Days, parades, swing dancing in Bryant Park, mambo on the High Line, Broadway shows, off-Broadway plays, performing arts at Lincoln Center, restaurant openings, and professional networking events. I was invited to 5 years of Fashion Week runway shows. Can you imagine that I haven't made any close connections? It's incredible! Of the few connections that I made, none of them contact me to socialize.
Lewis and I met a young man who lived in Astoria who did charity work by distributing Gratitude Journals. Enthused by his goal, we volunteered to distribute several on our trip to Boston. When we returned, we encountered him in the grocery store and he was so happy about how we helped him. Lewis and I suggested having dinner with him and his girlfriend at a new restaurant. For weeks, they cancelled at the "last-minute". We encountered him again at a coffeeshop, and he apologized and said that he would contact us with a date for a meal. He never did. We were perplexed because he seemed like an outgoing, upstanding man.
Similarly, a local Astorian used his backyard for Summer Movie Nights where anyone in Astoria was welcome. Enthused by this generosity, people contributed snacks, and we did that, too. Despite our invites to share a meal at a restaurant with him and his boyfriend, he always chose to postpone it indefinitely. Perhaps he only wanted to share outdoor films but didn't want anything else.
As often as I plan my days, I also let other days unfold with randomness and Fate to steer me. You might anticipate that my good energy and friendly persona would attract lots of connections. No. In all of those years, I had only two random encounters. (I'm only counting non-sexual). The first was seeing two waiters whom Lewis and I were friendly with at their restaurant. They were thrilled to see me, and they suggested meeting for dinner "sometime". We exchanged phone numbers. Twice, I initiated plans, but they cancelled at the last-minute. My second encounter was with my ex-boyfriend walking with his new boyfriend. My ex invited me for lunch. During it, I suggested a double-date, and he agreed. Days later, he told me that he enjoyed his time with me "too much" and decided to stay away. How would that make you feel? How would you feel if those were your only "random connections" in several years? I would've had the same results living on a desert island.
I tried befriending my hair stylist. He thought that Lewis and I were amazing. But whenever we met for food, he used us to "dump all his problems". During most of our meals, he created drama with perceived insults from the waiters. He cancelled "last minute" a lot. The worst insult was that as soon as he got "comfortable with us", he stopped treating me as a valued client; he made me wait while he helped other customers because he figured that "I would always understand and be patient". Therefore, my sessions became sloppy and abbreviated. We stopped interacting with him, I told him all the insulting things that he did. I didn't get an apology, but I didn't expect one. I have a new stylist.
A similar scenario occurred with my roommate from a prior apartment. He was a disaster to live with. Years later, we reconnected, and he invited Lewis and I to his home for a weekend. His behavior was unchanged, and he created high levels of drama. I shamed him by listing all the rude things he did--including luring us to his home to "do chores" and "pay for things". That was the last time we interacted, and Lewis was proud of how I handled it.
Relatedly, Lewis and I had the misfortune of being invited to a older man's home on the pretense of celebrating Christmas. But, in truth, he wanted us to do all the work to decorate his home for his upcoming Christmas Party. For them, he planned a luxurious menu. For us, he ordered pizza. Since he lived 2 hours away from us, our invitation included staying overnight. But, as soon as one of his guests intended to drop-off food in the morning, he didn't want us to sleep there because he didn't want them to see a gay couple in his home! I told him how dastardly that was--especially at Christmas: a season of generosity. He was ashamed, but he didn't rectify things.
Next, we befriended a widowed gay man who started inviting us to his home for dinners. Unfortunately, he only wanted us to do chores for him, help him fix relationships with twinks whom he spoiled, and hear about his family problems. He took advantage of us as "nice people"--uncaring that we had challenges of our own. I confronted him, but he merely offered to reimburse us for our travel expenses. (You notice that apologies seem hard to get in NY).
We were befriended by Dereck and Franco: a gay couple who thought we were fashionable enough to be "in their circle". However, they got disenchanted with people quickly, so their "circle" was a revolving door of people. We suspected that we were only befriended to add panache to their dinner parties in December. While there, we were approached by a young couple from the Midwest. They only wanted real estate advice about Astoria. Eventually, they did not want to leave their Manhattan zip code because they thought it was loftier... and they stopped answering our messages.
My former Director sent texts during the holidays, and I initiated 3 activities to include him, his partner, and Lewis. He and his partner LOVED their times with us. His partner got hoarse from so much laughter. They couldn't wait to spend time with us again. Yet, for 8 months, I suggested getting together, but it hasn't happened.
Lewis made "friends" through his own dazzling career in hospitality and retail. His friends acknowledge me through him, but they rarely contact me directly or interact with me solo. In contrast, I initiate activities with some of them, even if Lewis is unavailable. Friendships don't have to pause because the same quantity of people aren't available at the same time. Lewis has a schoolmate with a career doing drag queen performances in Manhattan, and we dutifully attended most shows. Repeatedly, the guy talked about dining with us, but it never happened. He and his husband repeatedly discussed their intention to visit us in Astoria, but they never actually did it... in 7 years. Whenever I encountered Lewis' former boss, I asked about getting together. He always agreed, but it never happened.
Those were the many failures. Here are successes!
Lewis and I realize that few Americans behave like us. We say what we mean, and we mean what we say. If we say that we'll do something, we do it. We do not cancel. We do not disregard potential friends because of where they live, their zip code, their income, their job title, if they own a car, if they wear certain brands, or if they can do things for us. Importantly, we don't expect people to think the same as us, and we're not desperate to make friends. (Desperation can be sensed from miles away).
Years ago, I was lucky to have a few friends who made efforts to initiate things with me. They cherished me for who I was--not because of what I could do for them. Unfortunately, all of them relocated for better lives outside of the USA, and one moved from New York to Texas. It is a telltale indicator that people who treated me the best disliked American society. Having experienced the brunt of America's social culture, I agree wholeheartedly. For those who emigrated, I am one of the few people who didn't disconnect because they left the USA.
In a larger category, I knew kind-hearted people who were friendly. They're gone now. Maria, Lea, Amanda, and Yvonne left New York City and moved to Florida. Lewis' childhood friend--who finally started having free time to do things with us--also moved to Florida. Jessica moved to Wisconsin. Philippe and Pierre live on Long Island, but its dilapidated highways and commuter railroad prevent interaction. Lee lives in Chicago and Arizona. Ramon calls me "the bright light in his life", but he moved from Astoria to Minnesota. Lewis and I treasured our friendship with Jean-Claude (a lovely gentleman from France), but he committed suicide. (Please use this link to learn about him:
My former coworker, Ricardo, liked spending time with me, but his job relocated him to New Jersey. Lewis and I had a former coworker who relocated to Boston and got married, but then they moved across the nation to San Francisco. Leaving NYC, Julian moved back to Australia. Leaving NYC, Shirlyn moved back to Singapore. Leaving NYC, Tsubasa relocated to Washington DC. Lewis and I did our best to socialize with Eric and Tomo in Astoria, but Eric moved to New Jersey, and Tomo is overworked by his job and lacks availability. Ly is also overworked by his job and has no free time. Leaving NYC, Paul moved back to Los Angeles, and Dennis moved to Miami. Last month, I encountered a friendly fellow at a local bar, and we "clicked" as friends, but he moved back to the Midwest within three weeks. My former coworker, Sonia, adores Lewis and I, but her husband relocated their family to California to avoid NYC's overpriced filth. As you can see, that is an unpublicized problem with NYC: its rising costs and deteriorating infrastructure cause friends to move out.
In addition to the people I mentioned, the others who truly cherished us were from the Ukraine, Philippines, Vietnam, United Kingdom, Colombia, Italy, Greece, China, Lithuania, Georgia (the nation), Brazil, India, Bosnia, Malaysia, and Korea. Evidently, foreigners are more open-minded to make friendships, prioritize them, and sustain them. Six returned to their homelands for better lives, yet they chat with us via WhatsApp.
Regarding all of the people who left NYC, Lewis and I remain thankful that we have "acquaintances in far-flung places". Miraculously, I am not jaded by all of those things. Most people might allow those circumstances to taint their attitudes. I don't reject offers for friendship, nor do I make excuses to procrastinate to avoid people. Never a snob or elitist, I'm happy to connect with a variety of personalities.
People say that it doesn't pay to be nice, but I keep doing it. I enjoy "the experience", however long it lasts. It's perfectly understandable that not everyone can be available all the time. Nor am I an infant who craves constant companionship. But, why is it so hard to make friends in this overpopulated metropolis? It's unbelievable that anyone can claim to have "years of memorable friendships" in NYC. In the vastness of the USA, unless you have children in the same activities or attend the same church or gym, it's unlikely that you'll have deep friendships. Perhaps this culture is too overloaded with problems to foster friendships. Eventually, it will be fulfilling to become friends with good people elsewhere.
