True Friends?

An acquaintance shared this wise observation.

     It's true.  Recently, my hair stylist took me out for dinner to celebrate my birthday.  We discussed a former "friend" of mine whom I introduced to my stylist's salon, two years ago.  Before the friendship dissolved, I knew the 30-year-old woman for more than a decade.  I admit that I overlooked many of her flaws.  Perhaps because I suffered through an unfortunate part of my life--at that time--I accepted the type of "friendship" that she offered.  Lewis, my boyfriend of nine years, agreed that we often accommodated her, but we grew increasingly fed up with her attitude. 

  

     I met the young woman at a former job, and we were coworkers for a few years, yet not on the same teams.  Then, I coincidentally relocated to the neighborhood that she lived in.  At another job, I needed to hire an employee, and I hired her.  It was great timing because she disliked her current occupation.  When she disliked the one that I gave her, she sought to live in Florida.  I helped her get a corporate transfer to our office in Florida, close to her home.  When she grew weary of that, she moved back to New York and into the apartment building where her father resided.  It was in the neighborhood south of where I lived.  Thus, our paths crossed several times.

     In the 11 years that I knew her, she had 12 boyfriends... and many lovers.  She only liked men who resembled male underwear models, yet she herself does not have a toned body.  Her favorite pastime is day-drinking while watching television, so she relied on plastic surgeons to give her the illusion of a physique.  For convenience, she had sex with male coworkers at all of her jobs, and those bad endings wrecked camaraderie amongst her teams.  Without gratitude for any of her picture-perfect lovers, she dismissed them for trivial reasons.  All 12 of her "romantic relationships" ended terribly, too, and none remained on good terms with her.  Lewis and I witnessed some of them starting to break: men becoming intolerable against her laziness, cheapness, rudeness, and selfishness.  That occurred dozens of times with people who tried to befriend her; they could not tolerate her selfishness or inconsiderate nature.  Unwilling to blame herself, she ignored the fact that the common denominator in all of her failed relationships was her.

     At this moment--without Lewis and I--she has only one longtime "friend".  None of her former coworkers or friends remain in her life.  She is self-centered and stubborn with people trying to be her friend.  She has a nasty habit of being jealous and over-demanding with her lovers.  Incredibly, she maintains a double-standard of cheating on them to have sex with other men--including married men (who have children)!  Earlier this year, I discovered that about her, and it deteriorated my respect for her.

     She has "resting bitch face".  

     Like many psychologists, I agree that someone with that facial quality is internally unhappy, and their physicality reveals it.  She is self-admittedly spoiled by her once-wealthy father (his resources are draining away like a melting iceberg).  Outside of her job, she is self-admittedly lazy.  Even though she lives near me, she routinely preferred that Lewis and I go to her home, instead of her coming to ours.  The distance between our homes is only a 15-minute walk, but she doesn't like to walk.  It's merely two stops on the subway (and she lives across the street from a subway station), but she thinks that she's "too good to use public transportation".  So, she drives everywhere (and complains about traffic and difficulties finding parking).  On the occasions that she deigned to come to my home, she either drove, hailed a taxi, or took an Uber/ride-share.  At the end of her visit, if she used a taxi, then she insisted that Lewis or I escort her to the corner of my street until she hailed a taxicab homeward.  I live in a safe area of Astoria, so the "escort" is unnecessary... but she is needy.

     Like a child, the 30-year-old woman is still financially supported by her father.  He pays for her apartment and its monthly fees.  He pays for her car and car insurance.  He pays for her monthly cellphone bill.  She is an employee for the City of New York (with nice benefits), and she spends her income on herself.  Yet, she still pilfers her father's wine collection (he lives across the hall from her), whenever she is thirsty.  For additional things in her one-bedroom apartment (with a terrace and a balcony), she starts dating men who are electricians or carpenters, to get free labor.

     Last Christmas, we were invited to dine at her home.  Apparently, we were replacements for the woman's younger sister, who had been "excommunicated" due to a disagreement.  The imperious woman told her current boyfriend to drive across the county and bring her mother to the party.  She and her mother literally live on opposite sides of the county, so the man had to drive through holiday traffic and NYC's notoriously bad highways.  Like an obedient lackey, he did.  When he returned, she told him to wash her dog in the bathroom.  He did.  She started serving food without him.  By the time he finished his chore and joined us, the Christmas meal was halfway over.  Ungratefully, she began nagging him to buy her a dishwasher (as a Christmas gift) because she detests washing dishes.

     During that meal, she told us how she accidentally inconvenienced her so-called "best friend" (named Alex) at Thanksgiving.  As background information, the young woman's bad habits and negativity soured her friendship with Alex.  Alex declined to attend her birthday party in July.  To supposedly repair their relationship, the young woman invited Alex to a pot-luck dinner during the week of Thanksgiving.  Carelessly, she told Alex the wrong date.  Alex double-checked (and later sent a message of confirmation), but the young woman still neglected to notice her error.  Thus, Alex stayed home from work that day, cooked a few recipes, and arrived at the young woman's apartment.  Since it was the wrong date, nobody was home.  Alex tried reaching the young woman via her cellphone, but didn't get through.  After an hour of waiting, Alex brought all of the food back home and was upset.  Meanwhile, the young woman had no remorse for what she did, and she figured that Alex ought to forgive/overlook her actions.  Lewis and I are certain that if such a thing happened to her, she would be irate and unforgiving.  (A year earlier, the young woman connived to cheat on her own boyfriend to sleep with Alex's younger brother.  What would Alex say about that?)

     In the dozen times that Lewis and I visited her home(s), it was ALWAYS dirtily unkept.  (We visited her pre-Florida home, her home in Florida, and then the one that her dad paid for).  Dog hair covered everything.  The sink and countertops were always laden with dirty dishes.  Returning to our own home, Lewis and I had to lint-roll ourselves to remove the coating of dog hair that clung to our clothes.  The woman uncaringly failed to clean her apartment, so dog hair always covered the chairs, sofa, floors, bathroom sink, and it was even found in the Brita water pitcher!  Her car was always unwashed and full of dog hair, too.  Once, she offered me a seat on a sofa cover that had dog vomit on it!  She merely told me to avoid the stain when I sat down.  Another time, her sister's dog got a bloody nose, sprinkled it on my clothes, dripped a line along the floor... and the woman merely told ME to wipe the floor and wash the stain from my clothes when I got home.

     The situation that ended our rapport was during Lewis' birthday, this year.  A friend of ours intended to host a party at his upstate home.  For old-times-sake (and at the host's urging), we invited the young woman to come.  Without enough bedrooms, the host offered her an overnight sofa to sleep on.  The home is practically a mansion with four luxuriously soft sofas.  She told Lewis and I that she would only attend if she had a bedroom.  Despite Lewis being the Birthday Boy, she suggested that he and I sleep on sofas, so she could occupy the king-size mattress (that we were offered by the homeowner).  It seemed absurd that one woman should have a king-size bed to herself, while a romantic couple slept on separate sofas.  She was also content with the idea that Lewis and I sleep on the floor in an unfurnished guestroom.  I was appalled.  She was fully aware that--at the time--Lewis was attending chiropractic "traction treatments" for a spinal ailment.  Yet, she was unconcerned enough to tell him to sleep on the floor!.. during his birthday! 

     Then, she had the gall to offer her inflatable mattress to us.  I asked, "If you have that, why don't you use it, and we'll sleep on the bed that the host gave us?"  She didn't want to, and she got impatiently huffy with me.  As it turned out, the Universe made sure we could not attend the weekend getaway.  She went without us.  Upon her return, I telephoned her.  She complained about the host, his other guests, the musician that the host hired, and the chauffeur that the host hired (so nobody had to be a designated driver).  I voiced my serious disappointment with her: Lewis and I were still upset with her conceitedness about making us sleep on the floor.  She paused.  Then, she said, "Okay, well I'm sorry you feel that way.  I guess I'll see you later."  She was unapologetic, and she hung up.  Six months passed, and she didn't speak to me, call me, or message me.  When I saw online that her grandmother died, I sent my condolences.  She did not reply.  She never asked how we coped during the COVID pandemic, nor did she offer a message for my birthday.  Apparently, Lewis and I were persona non grata.  We didn't care.  During the week before my birthday, she saw my hair stylist for her usual haircut.

     My hair stylist informed me that when he asked her about me, she said, "Ken and I aren't friends anymore".  After all my generosity, deeds, emotional support, and tolerance, she uncaringly discarded a relationship with me because it was easier than her apologizing for being wrong.  

     My stylist also told her that she would have to pay the full price for her haircuts, colorings, and stylings.  (Previously, he gave her a nice discount, because she was my "friend".  He used the economic downturn of COVID as his reason).  She flared and demanded to know what he was talking about.  He said, "The real prices are printed on the wall and the website.  You've been coming her for two years.  Don't you know what the prices are?  Don't you realize that you're not paying the full price?"  To him, she lacked gratitude.  Knowing that her father pays her expenses, my stylist figured that she had the spare money to pay the normal price... just like everybody else.  

     The woman always wants a 6-hour hair treatment.  He only charged her $200 for 6 hours!  That's incredibly affordable and generous of him.  At typical salons, an assistant does the shampooing and preparation.  To have a stylist do that costs more.  Yet, she expects the stylist--who is the best in Astoria--to do everything personally for her.  She also insists on brining her dog to the salon, which nobody else does.  She can't control herself from complaining about the "long drive to get there" (it's 10 minutes from her home).  My stylist's other clients travel from Brooklyn, New Jersey, and Manhattan's Upper West Side to come to Astoria for his talent.  At the conclusion of that hair treatment, she took her dog and left without saying goodbye.  He hopes that she never comes back.

     Lewis and I are glad to be rid of her, and we "kick ourselves" for being too nice to her and tolerating her for so long.  Like the message at the top says, it's best to rid yourself of fake "friends" and have patience/faith that any void in your life will be filled by good people.  Like a garden, it's okay to preen through people and keep the true friends.  You don't have to befriend everybody, and if you get to know someone who is not friendly (and they won't make any effort to change), then let them go.  That makes more room for positive people, whom you can cherish.