Advice : You Would Assume That Gay Kids & Youth Have It Easier

     Friends of ours started using a new hair stylist.  The trendy stylist is a divorced mom with a son in Middle School.  She senses that her son is gay and suspects that he will "come out of the closet" soon.  (I hope that homosexuals won't have to use that expression "coming out" much longer; they'll just "come of age" as normally as heterosexuals).  I shared my own "coming out" experiences with her, and my experiences as a mentor.  I never brag about the people I know, but I'm proud that I was a mentor to gay youth, as well as older men.  
     The stylist said that my advice was so good that I should share it. 

Here it is:

     First of all, gay kids have it easier nowadays.  That should be explained to them and not taken for granted.  Homosexuality was only decriminalized in America in 2009, which was long overdue, as compared to the Netherlands, Denmark, or the United Kingdom.  Imagine living in a time when being gay was illegal.  Just like the American Revolution or Racial Equality Movement, Gay Rights was a social upheaval... that American authorities fought against.

     Sexual Equality has endured hiccups of allowance or restriction... ever since the ancient Greeks and Chinese...

...through to the recent Marriage Equality movement.  

     Gaining traction in the 1950s via a group called The Temperamentals, Gay Rights finally erupted during the 1969 Stonewall Riot in Manhattan, when gay men finally fought back against physical abuse & rights infringement carried out by the corrupt NYPD.   
     Alas, being attracted to the same sex still carries a negative stigma, meanwhile vices are considered "acceptable".  Those are hypocritical double-standards.

     Thanks to more public education & awareness, people are more understanding.  Love flows more freely.  

     Homosexuality even has its own flag!  The rainbow icon also signifies gay-friendly areas, stores, restaurants, and communities.

However, a caveat is that LGBT-marked areas (and gay bars) simultaneously seem to keep out everyone else.  That's not going to help "inclusion" or acceptance from the rest of the world.
     Rainbows annouce Pride events, too.  Pride parades began as ways to triumphantly announce homosexuality as mainstream.  

     Sadly, in America, they degenerated into frat-party shenanigans and debauchery of exhibitionistically waving your ass and penis at strangers in public.  They don't accomplish anything.

At least Brazilian Carnival parades have amazing floats and costumes!  So do the Pride Canal Parades of Amsterdam!

*To see our first Pride Amsterdam, go here: https://halfwindsorfullthrottle.blogspot.com/2019/08/our-trip-to-netherlands-part-1-of.html

     In today's society, an openly gay kid at school is practically a celebrity, as schools clamor to show how "well-rounded & diverse" they are.  Similar "championing" happens for same-sex parents trying to get their adopted/surrogate children into schools' admission processes.

As the novelty wears off, I'm not sure how much longer those phenomenons will continue.

     A few years ago, "coming out" announcements from Olympic divers, soldiers overseas, and professional athletes got top-level media coverage.  

     If a CEO admitted to being gay, he was able to sell books about it.  This year, Joel Grey, an elderly Broadway star who played a flamboyant deviant in the 1972 musical, Cabaret, announced he was gay.  (As if we hadn't known).  "Coming out" videos are popular on social media and YouTube--especially for adolescents.  I think that's because their generation likes sharing practically everything online for public consumption.  

     Even the most reclusive gay youth can learn about nearly everything via handheld devices with internet access.  Many videos and blogs are made my teens themselves to explain, educate, and discuss pubertal urges, safe sex, and How-To's.

     Nevertheless, parents should facilitate their child's arrival of awareness about who they are...

     Simultaneously, parents ought to point out that labels aren't important.  You don't say "female doctor", and you oughtn't say "gay wedding": it's just "doctor" and "wedding".

     Gay individuals don't need to pretend to be "straight" before they can be themselves.  Whether in El Salvador, Bangkok, the Netherlands, the Philippines, or the suburbs of Ohio, young gay folks can be themselves right away.  No "pretending", "posing", or "hiding".  

     "Public displays of affection" are finally permissible, too.

     It is much easier to learn about being attracted to the same sex, as opposed to when I was in High School.  In truth, it must be a cornucopia for gay boys!  (Statistically, they're still in the minority.  So, for each school, they have the "playing field" to themselves).  

     Knowing how males are, an openly (or even closeted) gay boy might have a treasure trove of experiences before college.  

Now that society isn't as afraid of homosexuals, boys who are bi-curious or "heterosexually gay-for-play" might not be scared of intimacy with a gay one.  They might consider it as enjoyable as "exploring" with girls.  Girls might not enjoy the competition, though.

With the slutty reputation that gay culture allows/creates, boys might "expect" it from their gay pals.  

Look up "gay bar" on Yelp.com or "gay film" on Netflix to see how much sex is associated with "gay".  It's not the best reputation.

     Aside from stressing about prom, student clubs, popularity, sports tryouts, bullying, grades, or auditioning for Musical Theatre, gay boys might fall prey to the new epidemic of "body shaming" that Gay Culture encourages.  

     Sure, everyone likes attractive bodies and wants to be healthy.  But, since the 1990s, there has been a surge of fixation on physicality.  If you look at the TV show "Saved By the Bell" (ended 1992) only one boy had a sixpack of abs.  Look at current teen & tween TV, and everybody does... and needs to show them off during every episode.

     Such a mere focus on physicality--without care for what's inside a person--is lopsided.  It cheapens a soul and a hurts a person's sense of self-worth.  People shouldn't feel incomplete without a model-like physique.  

They shouldn't feel pressured to have surgery or steroids to mask/alter themselves--just to gain attention.  

     It's as if the "Barbie" adoration that modern women fought against (awareness of eating disorders/anorexia, the realization that models in advertisements are digitalized and air-brushed) has been picked up by the gay community.  As early as a pre-teen, a muscled physique and slutty persona is sought after.  

     Yes, it might be like the ancient Greek admiration of bodily glory.  But, it's the air of superiority/exclusion that the gay community hinges on the "way you look", that makes it harmful.  It's as bad as the "popular kids" snubbing you because you didn't fit in.  Straight men don't have the same level of peer pressure to physically fit in: just look at them.  

     Speaking of "conforming to fit in", gay boys shouldn't feel compelled to behave or dress like a stereotypical homosexual.  That's insane.
     Should there be a "look" that men "need" to identify as gay?  No.  Ideally, the question, below, shouldn't exist! 

After all, you can't draw a stereotypical "black" person!  You can't stereotypically describe a person from Tennessee or Sweden!  This is something created by gay culture/behavior that shouldn't be there.

     Walking down the city street, you can often tell that a guy is gay because he's wearing the "prescribed" outfit: short shorts and body-hugging T-shirts or tight tank-tops.  Many have the same haircut, hand gestures, body stances, facial expressions, vocal tone, and mannerisms.  If you enter a gay bar, 95% of the men will be wearing one nearly-identical look.  Hmm.  That doesn't seem fitting for a statistically "creative" bunch of men who supposedly desire individuality from the rest of the world.  ???

     Why show so much skin?  That's because gay men grew to merely rate each other on the size of 3 things: muscles, wallets, and "assets in their pants".  Watch it happen at gay bars.  It's nearly instantaneous, without much thought.  It's encouraged by modern technology, like this...  

     Outfits showcase those 3 things.  Who wears anything nice during summertime anymore?  Sadly, the tank-top/shorts outfit is used for practically everything: gym, rolling out of bed, brunch, dinner, Happy Hour, biking in the park, house parties, quickies, or lounging at home.  

     How gay men looked wasn't always like this.  In the 1980s, a typical gay guy looked like the guy below; earrings, a perky smile, and colored/styled hair were the only telltales.  

     Nowadays, gay men feel the need to resemble the newest trend (heightening the popularity of Latin, Middle Eastern, & Mediterranean men): facial scruff, rugged looks, tan skin, and extra-defined musculature... 

     The latest "look" makes it harder to guess if a guy is gay or straight by appearance... until he speaks or swishes, 

or behaves like in this video of a typical scene on Fire Island:

https://www.facebook.com/827012/videos/vb.827012/10104978369689039/?type=3&theater

*Click here to learn more about Fire Island: https://halfwindsorfullthrottle.blogspot.com/2015/07/the-allure-of-fire-island-but-beware.html

     Even these well-known TV personalities recently got plumped-up/pumped-up to receive more attention.

     By appearance, many want to look like jocks (who lisp and dangle their wrists).  Modern solutions like whey protein, steroids, implants, and muscle growth hormones produced instant Adonis-like bodies (or plumped-up-breasted chickens), which the gay "shirts off" culture demands.

     Today's culture of selfie-taking / online-posting narcissists (who can't resist a cellphone camera, as seen below)...

...created a land that is full of botox, lip injections, spray tans, laser hair removal, calf implants, liposuction, hair plugs, artificial muscle, teeth bleaching, and epidermis abrasion.

Forget about just needing braces!  Be careful of what you desire in order to express yourself, as opposed to what popular culture wants to dress you as.  

     My best advice for individuality and "a look": Be yourself and invite people into your life who don't always look or act like you.  You might find they challenge your assumptions and make you grow.  You will learn more from people with different viewpoints.

     What does it mean to be gay?  Do you have to behave feminine?  Must you pronounce your words in a high pitch with a lisp?  Do you have to wear oversize sunglasses like the Kardashians?  Must you know the latest fashion labels and Beyonce lyrics?  Which is better: facial scruff or glitter lip gloss?  Can you just behave like yourself?

     It shouldn't be so hard to be homosexual.  It's no surprise that boys look online and via artificial simulations to learn what to do.  Click here for my informative blog post about the peer-pressured speech pattern for gays:

https://halfwindsorfullthrottle.blogspot.com/2015/07/movie-review-do-i-sound-gay.html

      Remember when you wanted to learn how to kiss, or ask someone on a date, or what was involved in sex?  Thanks to computerized video games, blogs, Tumblr pages, Grindr, Wikipedia, and online pornography... awareness & education can be at your fingertips.  It will happen long before a haphazard Health teacher or Youth Leader fumbles through a speech about it.  

     I recommend that boys use Gay Hotlines, free clinics, LGBT Centers, and educational events to learn about themselves and their sexual orientation.  In doing so--and via online networking--they may find other mentors or "adopted family" (in case theirs is unresponsive or has ousted them).

     I advise guys to research as much as possible from several sources (even if it's all on the internet).  Gone are the days of having to poke around seedy sex shops or X-rated video stores, in order to gain knowledge.  (I avoided those experiences).  Online, guys learn about lubes & sex toys, in advance of having to purchase them.

     At the turn-of-the-century, there was only "artwork", or intimate books like Lady Chatterly's Lover.

     There are now "virtual games" that allow you to learn sexual positions, flirting techniques, how to overcome objections, posturing during group sex, fetishes, and stamina-strenghtening maneuvers.  A plethora of knowledge... before you even get your fingers wet.

In some games, you interact with characters controlled remotely by other people.

     From the privacy/convenience of their own laptop or cellphone, pubescent boys (or anyone) can learn at their own speed.  Personally, I've never used them, but it's important to know what's out there.  Don't get attached to a virtual world, in lieu of reality.

     Depending on their personal nature, guys will treat sexual relations as a "connection" with someone, or a "trophy game"...

     Tip: Despite all the fun, guys ought to be open-minded.  A "bottom" doesn't always have to be effeminate or whimper, while the "top" (who usually talks with lisp) suddenly needs to growl with machismo.  (It's funny how the lisp--which men claim isn't fake--disappears during sex).  You don't have to imitate porn characters to be great lovers.

     A side effect might be people's openness to interact with varied races, ethnicities, religions, ages, body types & creeds.  I certainly advise people to seek interaction outside of their own demographic and racial circle.  The world is getting smaller, yet it's full of variety.  Magic can be found by mixing energy...

(just like opera bass-baritone, Eric Owens, jiving with a jazz orchestra to perform "Fugue in C Minor"!)

     Speaking of handheld cellular devices, people will connect with lovers differently than non-internet dating.  

Gone are the days of "speed dating" events.  Websites/phone apps are safer/cheaper than going to bars or late-night "cruising destinations" to meet men.  You communicate beforehand, and you can see "everything" about them (so there are no surprises if it gets physical)... all from the safety of your own space.  

You can leave messages back-and-forth to facilitate "getting to know you" chatter, even when your schedules differ.  Thus, communication is more direct--hopefully not merely curtly sexual.

     Tip: be considerate.  It's offensive to be in the middle of messaging someone... then ignore them for an hour, or suddenly leave the conversation.  If you have to stop responding, simply say, "Hey, I gotta go", just as if you were on the phone or in front of them.  Treat people like souls, not a convenience.  Don't assume that if you're rude, plenty of others will be waiting of you.  That'll be your own karma at some point.  It's insulting to hear, "I fell asleep", "I got distracted watching this movie", or "I forgot to reply".  
     Tip: Be less judgmental; give guys a fair chance.  When you look at a person, remember that everyone has a story.  Everyone has gone through something that has changed them and forced them to grow.  Every passing face represents a story.  If you give them a chance, most men have something amazing to offer.  Appreciate the possibility of something new.  Be patient.  Be ready to learn & grow your mind/perspectives/comfort zones.  Be ready for a challenge, and be ready to meet someone that might just change your life forever.
     Tip: Don't be a "doormat" either.  Above all, be safe.  Despite the deterioration of safe sex focus (see my entry about Broadway Bares)--and new Prep products against HIV, I urge you to play safely.  If a guy claims to only have safe sex yet admits to occasionally orgasming inside someone without a condom, that's not safe.  If you choose to attend a sex party, avoid ones that allow both safe & unsafe (raw / bareback) sex.  Sexually transmitted diseases aren't all stopped by condoms.  The custom of oral sex usually avoids condoms (to supposedly avoid offending), but it's your choice.  Otherwise, you might as well have sex like this (not knowing what you're allowing into your body):

     Phone apps or online "networking"/"hook up" websites allow guys to find gay counterparts based on location, proximity, or preferences.  Thus, you gain access to guys who might not otherwise spend time at bars or nightclubs.  Sure, you can use it to arrange a "quickie" while you're jogging or traveling.  Ideally, they enable you to get acquainted without having to loiter at public places... or if your area doesn't have a Gayborhood.  

     Next, you decipher the other guy.  Some guys are "gay for pay" or "gay for play".

     With more boys being "out & proud" in their teenage years, they experience "first kisses", Valentine's Day, first date jitters, and "having crushes" in normal ways--not just in the shadows.

     5 years ago, when Lewis and I began dating, we were only comfortable kissing or holding hands in public within the secure atmospheres of gay bars (bouncers at the door).  Now, two boys can share a romantic dinner almost anywhere in New York City and be perfectly at ease--without prying stares, admonishing glares, servers spitting on their food, being refused service, or being heckled on the street. 

    Tip: we occupy a world of "bathroom mirror" selfies, which are shared, texted, and posted online.  Thus, how a lad wants to advertise himself will attract different experiences...

Lewis' former coworker spent lunch breaks using his iPhone to locate sex playmates in the nearby park.  That's not the safest method, since you can only rely on their promise to be clean of any sexually-transmitted diseases.

     It's part of modern life to find "quickies" online.  Learn about browsing techniques, warning signs to be aware of, phrases that indicate something is awry, exploratory questions to reveal things, strategy, choosing meeting places, and what to be open to.  
     It might be an improvement from when men had to... 

$$$$

     There's no right/wrong; it's sort of the "luck of the draw".  Such websites/phone apps might prevent young Billy from "cruising" public restroom toilets at malls or truck stops... 

but it might entice him to parTying practices with "ballers"...

...or he might have the best sex of his life (which might never have happened if he had merely lingered at the local coffeeshop).  

     The internet will connect sub-cultures within the gay community: bears, twinks, daddies, fetishes, orgies, leather.

It still lures people to gay bars...

gay clubs...

gay vacation getaways (as Timmy advertises, below), 

and gay cruises.

Sex sells all of it.  

     Tip: Cute young men are often "baited" (and yes sometimes "bated") to make places look pretty; they are bait for other fi$h.

     If you find your son/nephew...

in continuous photographs--like he's a trophy--with notorious club promoters like NYC's Mr. Cohen, 

or "recruiters" like Mr. Tate,

or "event planners" like these men...

he didn't get there based on his virtue.  "People users" like such men only appreciate guys who "plunge deep" into their clients' lifestyles or "put out a spread" after the party.  It's a dark--and unpublished--world.  Sure, being admitted free to the hottest events across the country/world while coveted as a "center of attention" seems unbeatable... 

but it's very risky.  Some young men have managed it for several years--never falling from that surfboard of popularity... so I can't say that it doesn't work.  But the risks often outweigh the promised benefits.  Years ago, men--who didn't want a typical life--clung to such prospects (to be immersed in a gay partying lifestyle).  Now, the internet provides plenty of connections, so men can avoid such traps.

     Alas, a newly-minted "young gay" will probably fall "head over heels" for being fawned over within such physically-attractive environments.

     If he really gets into the ongoing Gay Party lifestyle, he'll be "in play" with globe-trotting, high-income divas.  For them, Life is a huge playground of disposable playmates and a never-ending quest to "be noticed". 

     Tip: Society has raised a new generation of rude guys with manners, expectations, values, morals, tendencies, sex drives, body awareness, regard for disposable people, carelessness, and desires for instant gratification... 

and unleashed them upon the hyperactive global gay scene.

Maybe they should heed some ancient wisdom:

     Maybe, instead of predominantly scheduling hedonistic parties, guys with disposable time/income could "better" the world...

     Perhaps, they could inspire the world with their creativity, fortitude, grooming, work talents, balance of strength & sensitivity, comfortablitity with a feminine side, fearlessness in dressing with aplomb, and flair for entertaining.  

Wouldn't that be better than the stereotypical snarkiness, squeals, limp wrist, diva attitudes, or false hysterics as if every petty thing was drama?  


     Now we get to the discussion of the widely-accepted "gay scene".  
     Even on television, gay men are made fun of for shirking the normal spelling of names.  It's not Tom; it's Thome.  It's not Steve; it's Stefan.  It's not Mark; it's Marqc.  Maybe that comes from a fear of being ordinary... hence the outfits and hairstyles.
     When you envision the gay scene, you naturally think of slim-fitting, revealing, trendy apparel and cool detachment...

...or you think of colorful lipstick, dyed hair, jewelry, and shirts that accentuate the chest...

A friend commented that you can spot a gay man if he has a perky twinkle in his eyes/smile.  

     Making themselves easier to identify, many gay men gesture and speak with an overuse of stuff featured in the 2014 movie, "Do I Sound Gay" (the phenomenon where gay men around the world all suspiciously adopt the same "gay" way of speaking/annunciating--despite all their separate native languages & dialects).

     Gay men should just admit that they contort the way they speak to "fit in" or "identify as gay".  It's the truth; they didn't grow up speaking like that.  
     Tip: Don't feel compelled to speak in that way, in order to identify as gay.  After all, "coming out" is often about getting away from longstanding lies to others!  Don't pretend to be something you're not in a new way.  If someone says that you don't "sound" gay, they are an idiot.  That brings up a strong point.  For their Gay Rights, men didn't want to hide anymore under false veneers of heterosexuality, so why now hide under false veneers of stereotypical homosexuality?

     Unfortunately, to gain access to the typical "gay scene", men conform and lose their individuality.  You'd think that a group of people coming from years of torment and discrimination...

...would openly welcome diversity from any member.  The fact that they're actually judgey and choosey is ridiculous!

     Sadly, if you don't walk/talk like the typical gay guy or possess a stereotypical gay "look", then they don't LOOK at you (often insulating themselves on their cellphones).

     Why does my slim friend, Ethan...

...enjoy more popularity than another skinny friend of mine? 

In absence of the required muscles, Ethan mastered the art of "behaving gay", in order to fit in.  Totally different than the way he acted/sounded/dressed before college, he now sacrifices his own way of being.  His haircut, way of talking, pitch of voice, choice of words (overuse of "gurl"), hand gestures, way of standing, 

way of walking, "hair flip" head movements, way of holding a bag, choice of "man bags", choice of designer labels, choice of bars, quantity of alcohol consumed, sex life bragging, and "type" that he goes on dates with... is all done in the prescribed fashion.  It sounds so Victorian.

     In doing so, he enjoys more popularity, connections, networking, job references, party invitations, access to sex partners, and "privileges": recognition by go-go boy dancers, admittance to events, a bed on Fire Island, and a bed at P-Town.  My other friend won't get any of that.  Yet--when sullen drunk--Ethan admits to still feeling empty.  Therefore, is Ethan really succeeding?

     Just like rent prices, it's especially harsh in NYC because this city is a gay mecca... but also a cocoon.  Recently, an acquaintance of mine--a popular DJ--moved to California.  Whilst in NYC, his mere shirtless Facebook pictures got 187 likes and 72 comments, each time.  For no real reason.  Now, in CA, they're practically unnoticed.  He's just another guy.  

     My athletic friend, Ryan, recently complained that someone created a fake Facebook page, using his images!  It already has 3,257 followers!  The followers merely fixated on physical looks, with no interest in anything else.  That's why Ethan hides himself under a reinvented masquerade: to gain acceptance/popularity.  That's why my other friend--who stays true to himself--deals with less interest from majority of gay men.  

     That social phenomenon should change.  I always advise people to be their true selves.  Life will reward you with people that you really want to be with.  

     When heterosexual men socialize, their group includes all body types.  Yet, famous gay hangouts like Provincetown have specific weeks aimed at hosting only certain types of gay men, based on body-type!  Imagine Martha's Vineyard or Santa Monica specifying weeks for certain body-types!  I repeatedly advise people to stay true to themselves; false layers are never good feng shui.

     The realm of Drag Queens only exists in gay male culture.  Some friends of mine are UH-MAZING at it.

But, you should never feel compelled to adopt it if you don't want it.  Guys irrationally think that they need to wear high heels to identify as gay.  See my entry prior about Fire Island and count them in the pictures:

http://halfwindsorfullthrottle.blogspot.com/2015/07/the-allure-of-fire-island-but-beware.html 

That is not part of being gay.  

     Being gay just means that you like same-sex intimacy.  That's all.  There is no "way" to look, sound, or act.  
     Excluding people because of their age or weight is also ridiculous.  

If the men above wouldn't be welcome at a bar or party--purely based on their physical appearance--then you should re-assess yourself being at those places.  
     What is inside a person so much more important!  New generations of gay guys need to remember that.  In lieu of the "fast track" of sex partners maintained by most men (sometimes pushing away good soulmates), a lot can be learned from older couples.  They are probably helpful mentors, too.

Yet, how many older couples feel comfortable/welcome at popular gay bars?  Not many.

     Tip: If men behave better--with open minds and hearts--then comments about "jaded rude NY gay men" will cease:

     Above all, the best advice I can offer is:

-Keep things in perspective, instead of "drama of minutia". 

-Remain self-conscious. 

-Have creative expression and willpower; don't just conform.

-Maintain your integrity.

-Find inspiration that comes naturally.

-Tap into wisdom and common-sense.

-Apply yourself in selfless service to helping someone else.

-Be reliable and punctual.

-Be gentle and show kindness--even to the people whom others think "don't matter".

-Appreciate artists and the performing arts.

-Stay optimistic.

-Have mastery of your desires.

-Be devoted to those who love you unconditionally.

-Radiate warmth, authority, personal power, and humor.

-Laugh daily.

-Exercise forgiveness, empathy, compassion, and peace.

-Accept others for who they are.

-Maintain balance, harmony, and moderation in your life.

-Have an openness to things, cultures, and methods.

-It's okay to be still sometimes; don't plan every moment to be full of over-stimulation.

-Maintain your good health and peace of mind.

-Have courage to do things, accept things, and explore.

-Keep your imagination bright.

      If a gentleman can keep true to himself, be open-minded to new experiences, resist peer pressure for things that don't make sense, and bravely follow his heart... he has a chance at a great future!